February 8, 2017

Dear Lincoln: I'm Not Perfect, I'm Glad You Love Me Anyway

Dear Lincoln, 

A lot has been on my mind lately. Life is moving us forward whether I'm ready for it or not. You are becoming so independent and developing everyday. You are already sixteen months. I've been learning a lot this past year. About myself. About you. About our little life together, day by day. It's been completely, one hundred percent overwhelming and scary. It's also been exciting, rewarding, and happy. Each day I'm amazed at how many emotions I have felt throughout that specific day. It's a top speed roller coaster that has dips, sharp turns, and moments of calm. I've never had to be so "on alert" every minute of every day before. It is an adjustment. Thank you for being patient with me. I know I slip sometimes and have moments of impatience. When I find my voice being short and clipped instead of full of praise and love. I'm so sorry for that. I try to make up for my flaws by giving you lots of snuggles and kisses in hopes that you'll forgive me. And you always do. 

It has been humbling to see the world through your eyes. To see how you think, react. To literally get on your level and experience things exactly how you do. I've never felt so physically strained and tired before. Never had so many bumps and bruises or sore muscles before. But it's alright. It's nothing serious, and I love watching you learn and grow. I know someday I won't be able to carry you anymore. You won't rely on me as much anymore. You won't reach for me as much anymore. So I'll appreciate these days. I know they won't last forever.

I admit, some days I feel like I'm on one of those amusement park rides where you're pinned on the sides as you spin around and around. If you dare to move you could be flung across and hit any side. Lincoln, I don't always know what I'm doing. If I'm feeding you enough. If you're getting adequate rest. If you're learning and developing on track. I've never felt so guilty for not enjoying a day as much as I should or appreciating it enough. I knew going into this whole thing how hard I would be on myself, and how much I would doubt myself. It's just the way I am. I'm so grateful you are so patient and forgiving with me. I couldn't have been blessed with a better son.

I hope my thoughts are making sense. I'm sorry if they're a jumbled mess. I've been needing to clear my mind. A way that helps is writing down my thoughts. Or in this case, write them directly to you. I feel lately like I've been letting you down. That I've been letting us down. I'm sorry. I know things will brighten up soon. You are doing so well. I love you so much it physically hurts. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm glad you love me anyway. 


Your Mother