Dear Lincoln: Thanksgiving 2015

Dear Lincoln,

It must be the holiday season that has me in such a contemplative mood. I've reflected a lot on this past year this week. If you would have asked me in January if I thought I would have a baby by the end of the year, I would have thought you were absolutely insane. You see, I thought I was pretty content with my life. I had a good job, I had a church calling I adored-working with the Young Women. I had your Dad, and things seemed set in stone for a while.

One of the biggest lessons I've learned in life is when you start to get really comfortable, change must happen. I think that's because it helps us not become too indifferent, too proud, or what else. It's like using a muscle that's been pulled, if you don't work to make it useful again, it will just stay the way it is. So Lincoln, this is one lesson I will teach you. Change will happen, and even though it's hard (and that is seriously one hard sentence to write) it is usually for our good. The Lord knows what He wants us to accomplish, and it's up to us to learn what and why. 

So of course change happened to your Dad and I. Your Dad and I moved from Modesto to Turlock. That was one hard move. I didn't want to move. I had to leave behind a terrific ward, calling, and friends. Even though it was not a huge move distance-wise, it was a huge move for me. And it was hard. So we moved in March. I still had my job, but had to commute just a little bit further. And then not too long afterwards, I found out I was pregnant with you. Talk about an earth shattering change. All of a sudden, all my plans I had mapped out needed to be changed. I had to make plans to quit my job. And I really didn't want to do that. I had been working since I was fifteen. I loved the feeling of making my own money, putting my education to good use, and feeling a sense of independence. I really didn't want to give that up. But, I knew it was the best thing for our family. Change must happen. 

It's been an emotional week for me Lincoln. I am happy you are a part of our family. I am honored you are able to celebrate Thanksgiving with us this year, because more than anything, I am thankful for you. For the peace and happiness you bring me everyday. I am thankful for you teaching me that being a stay at home mother is really a job-harder than any previous job I've held. As this holiday season is slowly becoming full swing, I've thought about my hopes and dreams for you. Usually at this time every year, I think about myself and what I need to improve, what I want to accomplish the upcoming year, etc. How refreshing it is to think about someone else! I keep thinking of what I must do to help you become the person you are meant to be. As I've been thinking about this, one of my favorite songs kept popping in my mind. So I'll share it with you. 

Simple Man

Lynyrd Skynyrd 

Mama told me when I was young

"Come sit beside me, my only son

And listen closely to what I say

And if you do this it'll help you some sunny day"

"Oh, take your time, don't live too fast

Troubles will come and they will pass

You'll find a woman and you'll find love

And don't forget, son, there is someone up above"

"And be a simple kind of man

Oh, be something you love and understand

Baby be a simple kind of man

Oh, won't you do this for me, son, if you can"

"Forget your lust for the rich man's gold

All that you need is in your soul

And you can do this, oh baby, if you try

All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied"

"And be a simple kind of man

Oh, be something you love and understand

Baby be a simple kind of man

Oh, won't you do this for me, son, if you can"

Oh yes, I will

"Boy, don't you worry, you'll find yourself

Follow your heart and nothing else

And you can do this, oh baby, if you try

All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied"

"And be a simple kind of man

Oh, be something you love and understand

Baby be a simple kind of man

Oh, won't you do this for me, son, if you can"

Baby, be a simple, really simple man

Oh, be something you love and understand

Lincoln, I can't find the words to tell you how much I love you. I am blown away by the amount of love I have for you. I love you and your Dad more than anything else in this world. I love you, my son. 

Love,

Your Mother

Dear Lincoln: Month One

5:24 a.m. November 23, 2015.

Dear Lincoln, 

Today you are a month old. I really don't know where the past month has gone. I still can't believe you're here. I can't believe you're mine. I can't believe I gave birth to you! You see, your mom has always been repulsed by needles, blood, and pain. Yes, I am a wimp. You'll have plenty of time to make fun of me for that later. Just the thought of physically having a baby scared the heck out of me my entire life. I really didn't want to do it. During the entire pregnancy with you, I honestly just pushed the thought of labor out of my head. I didn't even think about it. Until October 25th. 

October 25th, 2015.

I woke up on that Sunday not feeling really good. I was having some discomfort so I decided I better not go to church. I spent that entire day pretty much on the couch, on all fours, wondering what the heck was going on. I remember thinking there was a good chance I was having contractions, so like any normal person I googled it. I couldn't decide if what I was feeling was real or Braxton Hicks, so I just put up with it. Thank goodness your Dad only had a half day of work that day. When he came home I explained what was happening. He was just as confused as me. It wasn't until 6:30 p.m. when my water broke that I realized I had been having contractions and had basically been in labor all day. Good to know-I'll be more prepared next time. 

I told your Dad my water broke. I remember my nerves taking over and shaking like crazy. This was real. It was happening. The next step was delivering you. I was kind of a wreck. Your Dad, ever the calm one, told me to relax, take a shower, and that he would get everything together. I remember not even taking the time to blow dry my hair, because I was too anxious. I just wanted to get to the hospital. When we arrived, they wheeled me into one of the labor and delivery rooms. I remember thinking it was weird that somebody was pushing me in a wheelchair. I didn't feel like I needed one. The things you think about when you're nervous. Once in the room, we were told we weren't going home, that I was already dilated to a five. I was in shock. I had no idea how soon you'd arrive, so we made ourselves as comfortable as we could (hospital beds and couches are not comfortable. I'll make sure you bring extra pillows when you and your wife have a baby). Your Uncle Sam happened to be in town, and he stopped by to see how we were doing and to give me a blessing. I was so thankful for that. I knew I would need all the strength I could get. I let your Dad sleep as much as he could. I was too anxious to really sleep. I watched a lot of Golden Girls throughout the night. I was happy for the distraction. The contractions started to get uncomfortable, so I was all ready for an epidural. Then I felt like a new woman. I thought it was amazing that I couldn't really feel those contractions. I just kept wondering when you'd arrive. 

October 26th, 2015.

You took your sweet time getting here. It wasn't until the afternoon that you arrived. I wasn't really all there when you finally arrived. My eyes were shut and I was pretty tired, as I'm sure you were. When the nurses told me you weighed 8 1/2 lbs, I was floored. You are my badge of honor Lincoln. I was exhausted. I remember looking over at you and just being in disbelief. You were finally here. You were healthy. You were perfect. 

5:47 a.m. November 23, 2015.

This past month has been a bit of a whirlwind for me Lincoln. You have been visited by so many people who love you and were so excited to see you. Many people have helped me--I truly am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. You are such a good baby. I love when you sleep on my shoulder, and I  hear you sigh with content. You are growing healthy and strong with every new day. I thank my Heavenly Father that He trusted me and has confidence in me that I can be your mother. I know I don't always give myself the credit I deserve. I must have read Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk a thousand times this past month. When I have my moments of self doubt and worry, I remember his words: 

"'Be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are." 

--Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Lincoln, I love you. I am forever changed because of you. 

Love,

Your Mother