Dear Lincoln: Thanksgiving 2015

Dear Lincoln,

It must be the holiday season that has me in such a contemplative mood. I've reflected a lot on this past year this week. If you would have asked me in January if I thought I would have a baby by the end of the year, I would have thought you were absolutely insane. You see, I thought I was pretty content with my life. I had a good job, I had a church calling I adored-working with the Young Women. I had your Dad, and things seemed set in stone for a while.

One of the biggest lessons I've learned in life is when you start to get really comfortable, change must happen. I think that's because it helps us not become too indifferent, too proud, or what else. It's like using a muscle that's been pulled, if you don't work to make it useful again, it will just stay the way it is. So Lincoln, this is one lesson I will teach you. Change will happen, and even though it's hard (and that is seriously one hard sentence to write) it is usually for our good. The Lord knows what He wants us to accomplish, and it's up to us to learn what and why. 

So of course change happened to your Dad and I. Your Dad and I moved from Modesto to Turlock. That was one hard move. I didn't want to move. I had to leave behind a terrific ward, calling, and friends. Even though it was not a huge move distance-wise, it was a huge move for me. And it was hard. So we moved in March. I still had my job, but had to commute just a little bit further. And then not too long afterwards, I found out I was pregnant with you. Talk about an earth shattering change. All of a sudden, all my plans I had mapped out needed to be changed. I had to make plans to quit my job. And I really didn't want to do that. I had been working since I was fifteen. I loved the feeling of making my own money, putting my education to good use, and feeling a sense of independence. I really didn't want to give that up. But, I knew it was the best thing for our family. Change must happen. 

It's been an emotional week for me Lincoln. I am happy you are a part of our family. I am honored you are able to celebrate Thanksgiving with us this year, because more than anything, I am thankful for you. For the peace and happiness you bring me everyday. I am thankful for you teaching me that being a stay at home mother is really a job-harder than any previous job I've held. As this holiday season is slowly becoming full swing, I've thought about my hopes and dreams for you. Usually at this time every year, I think about myself and what I need to improve, what I want to accomplish the upcoming year, etc. How refreshing it is to think about someone else! I keep thinking of what I must do to help you become the person you are meant to be. As I've been thinking about this, one of my favorite songs kept popping in my mind. So I'll share it with you. 

Simple Man

Lynyrd Skynyrd 

Mama told me when I was young

"Come sit beside me, my only son

And listen closely to what I say

And if you do this it'll help you some sunny day"

"Oh, take your time, don't live too fast

Troubles will come and they will pass

You'll find a woman and you'll find love

And don't forget, son, there is someone up above"

"And be a simple kind of man

Oh, be something you love and understand

Baby be a simple kind of man

Oh, won't you do this for me, son, if you can"

"Forget your lust for the rich man's gold

All that you need is in your soul

And you can do this, oh baby, if you try

All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied"

"And be a simple kind of man

Oh, be something you love and understand

Baby be a simple kind of man

Oh, won't you do this for me, son, if you can"

Oh yes, I will

"Boy, don't you worry, you'll find yourself

Follow your heart and nothing else

And you can do this, oh baby, if you try

All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied"

"And be a simple kind of man

Oh, be something you love and understand

Baby be a simple kind of man

Oh, won't you do this for me, son, if you can"

Baby, be a simple, really simple man

Oh, be something you love and understand

Lincoln, I can't find the words to tell you how much I love you. I am blown away by the amount of love I have for you. I love you and your Dad more than anything else in this world. I love you, my son. 

Love,

Your Mother

Dear Lincoln: Month One

5:24 a.m. November 23, 2015.

Dear Lincoln, 

Today you are a month old. I really don't know where the past month has gone. I still can't believe you're here. I can't believe you're mine. I can't believe I gave birth to you! You see, your mom has always been repulsed by needles, blood, and pain. Yes, I am a wimp. You'll have plenty of time to make fun of me for that later. Just the thought of physically having a baby scared the heck out of me my entire life. I really didn't want to do it. During the entire pregnancy with you, I honestly just pushed the thought of labor out of my head. I didn't even think about it. Until October 25th. 

October 25th, 2015.

I woke up on that Sunday not feeling really good. I was having some discomfort so I decided I better not go to church. I spent that entire day pretty much on the couch, on all fours, wondering what the heck was going on. I remember thinking there was a good chance I was having contractions, so like any normal person I googled it. I couldn't decide if what I was feeling was real or Braxton Hicks, so I just put up with it. Thank goodness your Dad only had a half day of work that day. When he came home I explained what was happening. He was just as confused as me. It wasn't until 6:30 p.m. when my water broke that I realized I had been having contractions and had basically been in labor all day. Good to know-I'll be more prepared next time. 

I told your Dad my water broke. I remember my nerves taking over and shaking like crazy. This was real. It was happening. The next step was delivering you. I was kind of a wreck. Your Dad, ever the calm one, told me to relax, take a shower, and that he would get everything together. I remember not even taking the time to blow dry my hair, because I was too anxious. I just wanted to get to the hospital. When we arrived, they wheeled me into one of the labor and delivery rooms. I remember thinking it was weird that somebody was pushing me in a wheelchair. I didn't feel like I needed one. The things you think about when you're nervous. Once in the room, we were told we weren't going home, that I was already dilated to a five. I was in shock. I had no idea how soon you'd arrive, so we made ourselves as comfortable as we could (hospital beds and couches are not comfortable. I'll make sure you bring extra pillows when you and your wife have a baby). Your Uncle Sam happened to be in town, and he stopped by to see how we were doing and to give me a blessing. I was so thankful for that. I knew I would need all the strength I could get. I let your Dad sleep as much as he could. I was too anxious to really sleep. I watched a lot of Golden Girls throughout the night. I was happy for the distraction. The contractions started to get uncomfortable, so I was all ready for an epidural. Then I felt like a new woman. I thought it was amazing that I couldn't really feel those contractions. I just kept wondering when you'd arrive. 

October 26th, 2015.

You took your sweet time getting here. It wasn't until the afternoon that you arrived. I wasn't really all there when you finally arrived. My eyes were shut and I was pretty tired, as I'm sure you were. When the nurses told me you weighed 8 1/2 lbs, I was floored. You are my badge of honor Lincoln. I was exhausted. I remember looking over at you and just being in disbelief. You were finally here. You were healthy. You were perfect. 

5:47 a.m. November 23, 2015.

This past month has been a bit of a whirlwind for me Lincoln. You have been visited by so many people who love you and were so excited to see you. Many people have helped me--I truly am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. You are such a good baby. I love when you sleep on my shoulder, and I  hear you sigh with content. You are growing healthy and strong with every new day. I thank my Heavenly Father that He trusted me and has confidence in me that I can be your mother. I know I don't always give myself the credit I deserve. I must have read Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk a thousand times this past month. When I have my moments of self doubt and worry, I remember his words: 

"'Be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are." 

--Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Lincoln, I love you. I am forever changed because of you. 

Love,

Your Mother

Dear Lincoln #4

Dear Lincoln,

I can't believe we're already in the countdown zone until we are able to meet you. Two more weeks depending if everything is on schedule. No pressure or anything though. You will come when you are ready, and I am more than okay with that. 

Your Dad and I finished your nursery yesterday. I have spent most of today walking by it, standing in the doorway and contemplating the significance of your room. It comes with a lot of unknowns and anxiety of course, but mostly I feel peace when I look into it. I fill that room up with my love, hopes, and dreams for you. I look forward to the feelings of love and tenderness that will be felt there. 

Lincoln, I am still very much a whirlwind of emotions when I think that I will be your mother. Being a mother in general is something I never envisioned myself as. Yet as the days draw closer, I feel that peace and comfort overpower any other emotion I feel. I admit, I still cannot grasp what it means to be a mother-- the only things I have to go on is my own instinct, and your amazing grandma and her example. Because she's such a wonderful mother to me :) I know, admit it, I worry a lot. I know it will come together piece by piece. Just be patient with me. We'll navigate this new journey together. I'll have your back if you have mine :) 

I've thought a lot these past few days about how quick nine months really does fly by. I spent most of my pregnancy working, and that kept me busy and my mind off the anxiety I was feeling. I remember thinking how quickly November would come, and true enough, it's right around the corner. I've spent the last couple of months preparing as much as I can, in my own way, for you. Everything improvement I've made, everything I do, I do for and because of you. 

Your Dad and I are now anxiously waiting your arrival. We can't wait to meet you. You have many people waiting here who already love you. So, come when you are ready. I'll be waiting. 

Love,

Your Mother

Dear Lincoln #3

Dear Lincoln, 

Today is a special day for your Dad and I. Today is our anniversary. We've been married six years. But this anniversary is even more special, because you're a part of it! I can't believe your Dad and I have been married that long :) It's hard to believe that one day you'll be looking to marry a special girl. Thank goodness that's not for many, many years! 

I know I say I always worry about you, and that's true. But I also look forward to all the things you will get to experience. I believe you will teach me new ways of looking at the world. I believe you will teach me to see more of the good in people rather than the negative. I believe you will teach me that love has no limits. 

Your Dad and I have spent six wonderful years together. Since the day we got married, we've been a busy couple. We both finished college and earned our diplomas. We've moved around quite a bit. Around eight times to be exact. We've both worked hard to support ourselves through school and then as normal everyday adults. We purchased our first home, and then another. We've had our highs and lows. Six years seems like it has gone by in a wink. I remember thinking when we were first married that we had such a long time before we would have to think about kids. I remember we kept wanting to achieve milestones before would begin seriously considering starting a family. Well Lincoln, we achieved those goals. We have no regrets about the way we have spent our married life thus far. And now our new adventure begins with you!

You may be wondering what your Dad and I are like. How we could stand to be together for such a long time :) Well, maybe that will be for another day. Your Dad and I don't like to talk about ourselves so much. We're both pretty private and quiet people. But I'll have you know that your Dad is one of the kindest, most hard working people I know. Maybe I'll have him describe me to you sometime. But one thing is for sure about your mother- I sure do love you. Which is another odd experience for me. I've always been so selective of the people in my life. I didn't get to choose you, you chose us. But I am very grateful you did. 

Lincoln, I am grateful you get to be a part of our anniversary this year. It's definitely a new experience, but I like embracing it. 

Love,

Your Mother

Dear Lincoln #2

Dear Lincoln, 

I can't believe how much you've changed since the months go by! You are sure wiggly and letting me know you are in charge. I like feeling you move because it's a powerful reminder of the precious cargo I am carrying. It's definitely a surreal experience. Whenever you kick me I make your Dad stop what he's doing to feel you move. It shocks him every single time. To tell you the truth, it shocks me as well. 

I know you can hear me now. You can hear sounds and can open your eyes. I can't believe how much you're growing and developing in such a compact space. It really blows my mind. From what I read they say it's a good time to start talking to you, to sing, or to read to you. I know I haven't interacted with you much yet. Don't judge me too harshly. It's kind of a new experience talking to somebody I can't see. But I like letting you know I'm here and that I am fully aware of your existence. Your Dad likes to play a game with me where he asks me what my dreams are. Lately, the only dreams on my mind are ones I have for you. I have so many hopes and dreams for you already. 

I have just a few months left to prepare for you to come into your Dad's and my life. There are some days where I get so overwhelmed at the thought of your arrival, and other days where I don't worry at all. I wonder what you'll make of us-your Dad and I. I'll let you know right now we are not perfect people. But we are good people who love each other, and now love you too. Your Dad is a wonderful, kind, man. He is the quiet to my loud, and the rational to my emotional. He is the thoughtful to my off-the-handle, and the laughter to my serious. He makes me so very happy. I always want you to know how much I love your Dad and how much he loves me. If there is anything that can calm me down when I have my overwhelming moments, it's knowing that your Dad loves me and will be right by my side through all of this. 

Lincoln, I won't always know what to do, or the right words to say. But I promise you I will try with everything I have to be a good mother to you. No matter my flaws or insecurities, I will always be there for you. Always. 

Love, 

Your mother

Dear Lincoln #1

Almost a year since my last blog post...it's amazing how busy life becomes. With both Denver and I working full time for the past year, we've both been preoccupied. I have to say, I've learned a lot this past year. A lot more about myself, life, and marriage. Since the old birthday is right around the corner, and maybe because I'll be a mother by the end of the year (what?!) I thought it counted as a perfect time to reflect what's been on my mind. Which is something that never leaves my mind-the little man who is growing inside me. Mr. Lincoln Sawyer. I find myself talking to him more in my head, and I thought I would share some of those thoughts here. 

Dear Lincoln: 

When your dad and I found out we were expecting, I have to admit I reacted in a way that probably bordered on a meltdown. I can't quite describe to you how I was feeling. I was mainly down right terrified. Having kids was something I knew would probably, maybe, eventually happen, but wasn't something I was totally looking forward to. I hope you understand where I'm coming from. It had just been your Dad and I for almost six years. I began to wonder if we were going to have kids. I was beginning to accept the fact that it probably wouldn't happen, and then it did! It was such a life changing moment for me when I saw those two pink lines. In fact, I had to take six tests to actually convince myself that what I was looking at was not in my imagination. I have to give it to your Dad- he stood by my side and tried to reassure me that this was a happy moment. This was a good moment. After all, you were no mistake. 

Lincoln, there is something you need to know about me. I worry all the time. I worry about you already. I hope you are growing healthy. I worry about if I'm eating all right, if I'm getting enough exercise, if I am doing everything in my power to help you be as healthy as you can be. I apologize right now, I will do my best not to constantly worry about you. But don't blame me entirely. I'm only doing it because I love you. 

I have to give you kudos for making this pregnancy relatively easy for me. It's like you knew how hard emotionally this was going to be for me, so you're letting me ease into it. Already watching out for your Mom. I admire that about you. I think you and your Dad share that quality. Always making sure I'm watched and cared for. And that you would do everything in your power to not see me hurt. Maybe you can ease up on those leg cramps? Just saying :) 

Lincoln, there is so much I will learn being your mom. I've learned to take this a day at a time, because the thought of raising you is not something I can do all at once. So please be patient with me. I hope it's not discouraging to see me so hesitant, so unsure. But I want you to know I am doing my best to be someone you can look up to. I know you already know your Dad and I aren't perfect. We make mistakes all the time. We say things we don't mean. But we love you. 

Love your mother.