Dear Lincoln,
A lot has been on my mind lately. Life is moving us forward whether I'm ready for it or not. You are becoming so independent and developing everyday. You are already sixteen months. I've been learning a lot this past year. About myself. About you. About our little life together, day by day. It's been completely, one hundred percent overwhelming and scary. It's also been exciting, rewarding, and happy. Each day I'm amazed at how many emotions I have felt throughout that specific day. It's a top speed roller coaster that has dips, sharp turns, and moments of calm. I've never had to be so "on alert" every minute of every day before. It is an adjustment. Thank you for being patient with me. I know I slip sometimes and have moments of impatience. When I find my voice being short and clipped instead of full of praise and love. I'm so sorry for that. I try to make up for my flaws by giving you lots of snuggles and kisses in hopes that you'll forgive me. And you always do.
It has been humbling to see the world through your eyes. To see how you think, react. To literally get on your level and experience things exactly how you do. I've never felt so physically strained and tired before. Never had so many bumps and bruises or sore muscles before. But it's alright. It's nothing serious, and I love watching you learn and grow. I know someday I won't be able to carry you anymore. You won't rely on me as much anymore. You won't reach for me as much anymore. So I'll appreciate these days. I know they won't last forever.
I admit, some days I feel like I'm on one of those amusement park rides where you're pinned on the sides as you spin around and around. If you dare to move you could be flung across and hit any side. Lincoln, I don't always know what I'm doing. If I'm feeding you enough. If you're getting adequate rest. If you're learning and developing on track. I've never felt so guilty for not enjoying a day as much as I should or appreciating it enough. I knew going into this whole thing how hard I would be on myself, and how much I would doubt myself. It's just the way I am. I'm so grateful you are so patient and forgiving with me. I couldn't have been blessed with a better son.
I hope my thoughts are making sense. I'm sorry if they're a jumbled mess. I've been needing to clear my mind. A way that helps is writing down my thoughts. Or in this case, write them directly to you. I feel lately like I've been letting you down. That I've been letting us down. I'm sorry. I know things will brighten up soon. You are doing so well. I love you so much it physically hurts. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm glad you love me anyway.
Love,
Your Mother
February 8, 2017
January 4, 2017
Dear Lincoln: 15 Months
Dear Lincoln,
How is it even possible that you are already fifteen months. You are growing up so fast. You are becoming so independent and adventurous. You love exploring new things and testing the limits. You are full of smiles and full of curiosity. You are my world.
Your one year birthday came and went. I'm sorry I didn't write about it the day of. I had plans to, but of course, time slipped past me. We had a little party in your honor, family and friends came to help us celebrate. You had your own cake which surprisingly, you didn't seem too interested in. You ate some, but I think it was only because we were all watching you and wanting you to. The party was "Where the Wild Things Are" themed, and I loved it because you are my little wild one. I wanted to remember that about you. Lincoln, you are so loved. If there is anything I want you to remember the most, the thing I want you to know without a doubt, is that you are loved. By me. By your dad. By your grandparents. By your aunts and uncles and cousins. Your cousins adore you and always want to hold and play with you. But most of all remember how much your Heavenly Father loves you. If you take my love for you and multiply it above and beyond, that is how much Heavenly Father loves you. It never ends.
Lincoln, you are so patient with me. You know how anxious I am. How I can sometimes overly stress about things. I want you to know that is a new year resolution for me, to "breathe." To not let the trivial things get the best of me. Because after all, you are the only important thing. Your happiness is the only thing I care about. Everything else can melt away. That is one thing about parenthood I was completely blindsided by. The anxiety about making sure you are eating enough. Sleeping enough. When you're sick, what I need to do to make it better. Trusting in medicine and doctors. Trusting my instincts. Trusting your dad's instincts. It's a whole new world for me, but I am trying. Trying with all my strength. Every. Single. Moment.
Right now, you are so curious about the world, and it brings me so much fulfillment. To see your face when you accomplish something you've been trying at. To see you try something new. To see you interact with me. When I get you up in the morning, you reach your little arms out towards me and wrap them around me and hold onto me. You've recently started playing with my hair too. You can now walk like a pro, and attempt to run. You climb up and down from the couch. You love stairs and now slide down them on your tummy. You LOVE bath time. You are eating solids like a champ. You're a little picky about foods, but I'm trying to nip that in the bud and trick you into eating things. Sorry. You'll thank me later. You say "dada" and "ree" all the time. Yes, "dada" was your first word, and you only call me "mom" when you're tired. The rest of the time it's "ree". I secretly love it though. You can clap your hands when we say "yay!" You can get embarrassed, but that's ok. It's ok to want me when you're sad. I'll help make it better.
Lincoln, I just love you so much. I never thought about how I would be as a mother, so I am constantly surprising myself. I am nowhere near perfect, nor do I try to be. I have meltdowns. I cry. I get short with you, but it's mainly because of me, not you. I'm scared. I'm hopeful. I'm trying. Just know that I would do anything for you and your well being. Know how much your dad and I love you. We are always going to be here for you and the decisions you make in life. Know that I am trying.
Always,
Your Mother
How is it even possible that you are already fifteen months. You are growing up so fast. You are becoming so independent and adventurous. You love exploring new things and testing the limits. You are full of smiles and full of curiosity. You are my world.
Your one year birthday came and went. I'm sorry I didn't write about it the day of. I had plans to, but of course, time slipped past me. We had a little party in your honor, family and friends came to help us celebrate. You had your own cake which surprisingly, you didn't seem too interested in. You ate some, but I think it was only because we were all watching you and wanting you to. The party was "Where the Wild Things Are" themed, and I loved it because you are my little wild one. I wanted to remember that about you. Lincoln, you are so loved. If there is anything I want you to remember the most, the thing I want you to know without a doubt, is that you are loved. By me. By your dad. By your grandparents. By your aunts and uncles and cousins. Your cousins adore you and always want to hold and play with you. But most of all remember how much your Heavenly Father loves you. If you take my love for you and multiply it above and beyond, that is how much Heavenly Father loves you. It never ends.
Lincoln, you are so patient with me. You know how anxious I am. How I can sometimes overly stress about things. I want you to know that is a new year resolution for me, to "breathe." To not let the trivial things get the best of me. Because after all, you are the only important thing. Your happiness is the only thing I care about. Everything else can melt away. That is one thing about parenthood I was completely blindsided by. The anxiety about making sure you are eating enough. Sleeping enough. When you're sick, what I need to do to make it better. Trusting in medicine and doctors. Trusting my instincts. Trusting your dad's instincts. It's a whole new world for me, but I am trying. Trying with all my strength. Every. Single. Moment.
Right now, you are so curious about the world, and it brings me so much fulfillment. To see your face when you accomplish something you've been trying at. To see you try something new. To see you interact with me. When I get you up in the morning, you reach your little arms out towards me and wrap them around me and hold onto me. You've recently started playing with my hair too. You can now walk like a pro, and attempt to run. You climb up and down from the couch. You love stairs and now slide down them on your tummy. You LOVE bath time. You are eating solids like a champ. You're a little picky about foods, but I'm trying to nip that in the bud and trick you into eating things. Sorry. You'll thank me later. You say "dada" and "ree" all the time. Yes, "dada" was your first word, and you only call me "mom" when you're tired. The rest of the time it's "ree". I secretly love it though. You can clap your hands when we say "yay!" You can get embarrassed, but that's ok. It's ok to want me when you're sad. I'll help make it better.
Lincoln, I just love you so much. I never thought about how I would be as a mother, so I am constantly surprising myself. I am nowhere near perfect, nor do I try to be. I have meltdowns. I cry. I get short with you, but it's mainly because of me, not you. I'm scared. I'm hopeful. I'm trying. Just know that I would do anything for you and your well being. Know how much your dad and I love you. We are always going to be here for you and the decisions you make in life. Know that I am trying.
Always,
Your Mother
August 26, 2016
Dear Lincoln: Ten Months
Dear Lincoln,
Happy ten months my son. I wish I could say it's getting easier for me to accept the fact that in two months you'll be a year old, but it's not. You are just getting so big. So independent. So feisty. I'm not ready for it! I miss those days where all we would do is cuddle. Now you're at the stage where it requires more physical activity. These days it feels like all I do is follow you, picking things up out of your reach, finding you new things to occupy yourself with. You require more effort, but you're worth it.
These days you love going to our sliding door and pulling yourself up to watch Chomper. You love crawling everywhere and getting into everything. You love fighting me when I change your diaper. You love car rides, but need more entertainment. You love giving Mommy cuddles and hugs. You love to show your emotions- happiness, frustration, and sadness. My heart can't take it when you bonk your head, or fall down. It's really taken me time to allow you to be in situations where you might get hurt, if that makes sense. If I had it my way, of course I'd coddle and protect you all the time. But I know you need to increase your independence, and your abilities.
Ten months I've been on this journey with you as we figure out our life together. It's been challenging. Rewarding. Exhausting. Emotional. Thrilling. It's been filled with moments when I look at you in wonder. Some days are better than others. Some days I admit, I just go through the motions. There are those days when I miss working and getting dressed up. There are the days where I just want to get away for a few hours. But I know even if I had one hour to myself I would feel guilty for not spending it with you. Odd isn't it? The times when I just want a moment to myself, I find myself wanting to be with you more.
You really have been such a good baby. The only times you're upset is when those teeth are hurting you. Or when you just want to be with your mama. I really have been blessed, and I am fully aware of those blessings. I've been blessed with us being healthy, and being taken care of by your Dad. Things are good.
I love you Lincoln. I read in an article today that motherhood isn't about perfection, it's about trying again. And you know better than anyone how much I try. I try to give you the attention and play you deserve. I try to give you a clean, home-y environment at home. I try to teach you about Jesus and His love. I know I fall short. I know there are days where I have not as much patience as I should. I love you more than anything my son. I am always trying to be better.
Lincoln, I've said I didn't think I ever wanted to be a mother. Or to be a stay at home mother. I'm beginning to see it's been one of the greatest things for me. You have filled some of the cracks in my heart. You give me more joy than anything else in this world. I promised to always keep on trying. I promise to always love and protect you.
Love,
Your Mother
Happy ten months my son. I wish I could say it's getting easier for me to accept the fact that in two months you'll be a year old, but it's not. You are just getting so big. So independent. So feisty. I'm not ready for it! I miss those days where all we would do is cuddle. Now you're at the stage where it requires more physical activity. These days it feels like all I do is follow you, picking things up out of your reach, finding you new things to occupy yourself with. You require more effort, but you're worth it.
These days you love going to our sliding door and pulling yourself up to watch Chomper. You love crawling everywhere and getting into everything. You love fighting me when I change your diaper. You love car rides, but need more entertainment. You love giving Mommy cuddles and hugs. You love to show your emotions- happiness, frustration, and sadness. My heart can't take it when you bonk your head, or fall down. It's really taken me time to allow you to be in situations where you might get hurt, if that makes sense. If I had it my way, of course I'd coddle and protect you all the time. But I know you need to increase your independence, and your abilities.
Ten months I've been on this journey with you as we figure out our life together. It's been challenging. Rewarding. Exhausting. Emotional. Thrilling. It's been filled with moments when I look at you in wonder. Some days are better than others. Some days I admit, I just go through the motions. There are those days when I miss working and getting dressed up. There are the days where I just want to get away for a few hours. But I know even if I had one hour to myself I would feel guilty for not spending it with you. Odd isn't it? The times when I just want a moment to myself, I find myself wanting to be with you more.
You really have been such a good baby. The only times you're upset is when those teeth are hurting you. Or when you just want to be with your mama. I really have been blessed, and I am fully aware of those blessings. I've been blessed with us being healthy, and being taken care of by your Dad. Things are good.
I love you Lincoln. I read in an article today that motherhood isn't about perfection, it's about trying again. And you know better than anyone how much I try. I try to give you the attention and play you deserve. I try to give you a clean, home-y environment at home. I try to teach you about Jesus and His love. I know I fall short. I know there are days where I have not as much patience as I should. I love you more than anything my son. I am always trying to be better.
Lincoln, I've said I didn't think I ever wanted to be a mother. Or to be a stay at home mother. I'm beginning to see it's been one of the greatest things for me. You have filled some of the cracks in my heart. You give me more joy than anything else in this world. I promised to always keep on trying. I promise to always love and protect you.
Love,
Your Mother
July 16, 2016
Dear Lincoln: Growing Up
Dear Lincoln,
In two weeks you'll be nine months. In three months you're going to turn a year old. I am seriously in denial you'll be that old. I am seriously going through so many emotions and trying to process them, that it gives me a bit of anxiety! You are no longer my newborn baby, and it makes me sad. I loved having a newborn. I loved all the cuddles, the peaceful quiet, and the calm. Now that you're getting older and to the point where you are exploring EVERYTHING, it's taking some getting used to. Not that I'm not proud of you for exploring your surroundings, and developing your skills. It's just hard to swallow.
At eight months, you are LOVING moving around. You're not quite crawling, but you are super close. You get up on all fours and rock, and have even started to army crawl. So you're almost there. You love grabbing anything in sight. My hair, throat, remote control, you name it. You are so curious and have to know what everything is about. I had to put away your floor play mat because you are so strong now and turning it over. That was a hard day. You're at the point where you need space to move around and explore. You roll all over the floor and when you're in your baby walker you zoom across the kitchen. It's the cutest thing to watch.
You now have four teeth, two top teeth (which FINALLY came in after months of just sitting there) and your two bottom teeth. I can see more about to come in. You're not supposed to have teeth Lincoln. You're not supposed to be old enough to have them. You love eating in your high chair, you always have this proud face when you sit in it. You're devouring baby food, and your little Gerber puffs. You are getting so vocal! You just love telling me what's going on. You are getting so strong! It really blows my mind. I can't say that enough.
You love giving Mommy hugs and squeezes. You love sitting with Daddy at the computer. You love being tickled and cuddled. I love seeing you smile. You have the most infectious smile. It melts my heart every. single. time.
Obviously I'm still learning this whole Mom thing. But I'm learning so much about myself and you in the process. I'm learning I'm much more sentimental than I thought I would be with you getting older. It's been pretty hard for me. I'm learning I have to put certain stages behind me and embrace the new ones. I hate change, and having a child is all about change. I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father is getting a good laugh at that. I'm honored to be on this journey with you Lincoln. It's going to be hard, but worth it.
I'll love you forever, I'll love you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.
Love,
Your Mother
In two weeks you'll be nine months. In three months you're going to turn a year old. I am seriously in denial you'll be that old. I am seriously going through so many emotions and trying to process them, that it gives me a bit of anxiety! You are no longer my newborn baby, and it makes me sad. I loved having a newborn. I loved all the cuddles, the peaceful quiet, and the calm. Now that you're getting older and to the point where you are exploring EVERYTHING, it's taking some getting used to. Not that I'm not proud of you for exploring your surroundings, and developing your skills. It's just hard to swallow.
At eight months, you are LOVING moving around. You're not quite crawling, but you are super close. You get up on all fours and rock, and have even started to army crawl. So you're almost there. You love grabbing anything in sight. My hair, throat, remote control, you name it. You are so curious and have to know what everything is about. I had to put away your floor play mat because you are so strong now and turning it over. That was a hard day. You're at the point where you need space to move around and explore. You roll all over the floor and when you're in your baby walker you zoom across the kitchen. It's the cutest thing to watch.
You now have four teeth, two top teeth (which FINALLY came in after months of just sitting there) and your two bottom teeth. I can see more about to come in. You're not supposed to have teeth Lincoln. You're not supposed to be old enough to have them. You love eating in your high chair, you always have this proud face when you sit in it. You're devouring baby food, and your little Gerber puffs. You are getting so vocal! You just love telling me what's going on. You are getting so strong! It really blows my mind. I can't say that enough.
You love giving Mommy hugs and squeezes. You love sitting with Daddy at the computer. You love being tickled and cuddled. I love seeing you smile. You have the most infectious smile. It melts my heart every. single. time.
Obviously I'm still learning this whole Mom thing. But I'm learning so much about myself and you in the process. I'm learning I'm much more sentimental than I thought I would be with you getting older. It's been pretty hard for me. I'm learning I have to put certain stages behind me and embrace the new ones. I hate change, and having a child is all about change. I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father is getting a good laugh at that. I'm honored to be on this journey with you Lincoln. It's going to be hard, but worth it.
I'll love you forever, I'll love you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.
Love,
Your Mother
May 17, 2016
Be Still
Dear Lincoln,
Sometimes I feel the days just pass us by and that I'm not appreciating them enough. I truly want to enjoy every minute I have with you in these "babyhood" days. I feel like time is just slipping through my fingers and I have moments of panic because I realize they're never coming back. I sit and wonder if I'm doing all I can for you. That I'm spending my time with you and truly mentally being there. That's a downside of being a new mom-I honestly forget so many things. I'll be talking to your Dad and let my sentences trail off. Or I think I've said something but in reality, I've had an imaginary conversation because it's all in my head. I think your Dad thinks I'm going crazy :) Anyway, sorry for the tangent. I just feel you're growing up so fast and I just can't accept that! So as usual, whenever my emotions are swirling and I can't quite explain how I feel, I turn to music. I hope one day you'll appreciate good music because it has a way of healing those cracks in your heart. One of my favorite bands is "The Killers" and I recently heard this song by them. Enjoy my precious boy.
Sometimes I feel the days just pass us by and that I'm not appreciating them enough. I truly want to enjoy every minute I have with you in these "babyhood" days. I feel like time is just slipping through my fingers and I have moments of panic because I realize they're never coming back. I sit and wonder if I'm doing all I can for you. That I'm spending my time with you and truly mentally being there. That's a downside of being a new mom-I honestly forget so many things. I'll be talking to your Dad and let my sentences trail off. Or I think I've said something but in reality, I've had an imaginary conversation because it's all in my head. I think your Dad thinks I'm going crazy :) Anyway, sorry for the tangent. I just feel you're growing up so fast and I just can't accept that! So as usual, whenever my emotions are swirling and I can't quite explain how I feel, I turn to music. I hope one day you'll appreciate good music because it has a way of healing those cracks in your heart. One of my favorite bands is "The Killers" and I recently heard this song by them. Enjoy my precious boy.
Be Still
Be still
And go on to bed
Nobody knows what lies ahead
And life is short
To say the least
We're in the belly of the beast
Be still
Wild and young
Long may your innocence reign
Like shells on the shore
And may your limits be unknown
And may your efforts be your own
If you ever feel you can't take it anymore
Don't break character
You've got a lot of heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Rise up like the sun
Labor till the work is done
Be still
One day you'll leave
Fearlessness on your sleeve
When you've come back, tell me what did you see
What did you see
Was there something out there for me?
Be still
Close your eyes
Soon enough you'll be on your own
Steady and straight
And if they drag you through the mud
It doesn't change what's in your blood
(Over chains)
When they knock you down
Don't break character
You've got a lot of heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Be still
Be still
Be still
Be still
Over rock and chain
Over sunset plain
Over trap and snare
When you're in too deep
In your wildest dream
In your made up scheme
When they knock you down
When they knock you down
Don't break character
You've got sooooo much heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Oh Rise up like the sun
And labor till the work is done
Rise up like the sun
Labor till the work is
Rise up like the sun
And labor till the work is done
Lincoln, I'll love you forever, I'll love you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.
Love,
Your Mother
May 6, 2016
Dear Mommy, Love Lincoln
Dear Mommy,
I can see you're tired today. I see it in your eyes. I know you're not moving as fast as you were on Monday. But you still bend down to play with me on the floor, you still get on your knees to help me with tummy time. You still do funny dances with me to make me smile. I'm sorry you're tired Mommy. I just love when you spend time with me. I'll smile extra for you today.
I can see you're frustrated because you're feeling torn about how to spend your time. You smile with me and laugh with me, but I see you glance over my shoulder to see the dirty dishes around the kitchen. I see you look at the clutter building up because you're trying to get a head start on packing. I see you step over dirty clothes and put me down to put them in the hamper. I can see the worry crease your brow because you want to spend all your time with me. It's ok, Mommy. Put me down for ten minutes and work on one thing. I'll be just fine. I have plenty of toys to keep me occupied. If that fails, I'll just play with my toes.
I can see you're overwhelmed with the thought of how you're doing as a mommy. I can see the uncertainty in your eyes. I see the tears every now and then as you rock me and hold me close. Mommy, you're the best. You give me so many snuggles and kisses. I pretend to be shy about it, but really, I can't get enough. You give me the best hugs, and I can't help but return them. You sing the funniest songs when you change my diaper, and I laugh and laugh. You're pretty funny when you dance around my room and make up silly voices. But I love it! I wouldn't want you to stop for anything. You keep me clean and smelling good. You keep me on track with my growth and experiencing new things. You take me on fun walks with Chomper and I get to see you make funny faces at me. I love it! I love our tickle fests and funny noise competitions we do. I let you win most of the time, but come on, we both know I'm the best.
Mommy, I can see you get self conscious when you look at yourself in the mirror. You think you're being lazy if you don't make it out of your pajamas one day. You see your hair is always in a ponytail. You think you should be making yourself more presentable and wear make up to cover the bags under your eyes. Mommy, you're beautiful! I promise your smile makes you more beautiful than any makeup or hair style will do. Mommy, I want you to feel beautiful, so if some days you want to do yourself up, do it! I don't mind. I love you either way.
Mommy, you're doing a great job. I know I require pretty much all of your time. I know lately I've been wanting extra snuggles and attention, but I promise you it's just because I'm growing and getting more teeth. I know that brings on a whole extra set of worry and changes, but Mommy, don't worry! I'm just fine. I just love being held by you. I love your soothing voice as it rocks me to sleep. I love to see you and Daddy hug each other because it makes me feel loved and secure. Mommy, you're doing just fine. I love you so much.
Love,
Your Son, Lincoln
I can see you're tired today. I see it in your eyes. I know you're not moving as fast as you were on Monday. But you still bend down to play with me on the floor, you still get on your knees to help me with tummy time. You still do funny dances with me to make me smile. I'm sorry you're tired Mommy. I just love when you spend time with me. I'll smile extra for you today.
I can see you're frustrated because you're feeling torn about how to spend your time. You smile with me and laugh with me, but I see you glance over my shoulder to see the dirty dishes around the kitchen. I see you look at the clutter building up because you're trying to get a head start on packing. I see you step over dirty clothes and put me down to put them in the hamper. I can see the worry crease your brow because you want to spend all your time with me. It's ok, Mommy. Put me down for ten minutes and work on one thing. I'll be just fine. I have plenty of toys to keep me occupied. If that fails, I'll just play with my toes.
I can see you're overwhelmed with the thought of how you're doing as a mommy. I can see the uncertainty in your eyes. I see the tears every now and then as you rock me and hold me close. Mommy, you're the best. You give me so many snuggles and kisses. I pretend to be shy about it, but really, I can't get enough. You give me the best hugs, and I can't help but return them. You sing the funniest songs when you change my diaper, and I laugh and laugh. You're pretty funny when you dance around my room and make up silly voices. But I love it! I wouldn't want you to stop for anything. You keep me clean and smelling good. You keep me on track with my growth and experiencing new things. You take me on fun walks with Chomper and I get to see you make funny faces at me. I love it! I love our tickle fests and funny noise competitions we do. I let you win most of the time, but come on, we both know I'm the best.
Mommy, I can see you get self conscious when you look at yourself in the mirror. You think you're being lazy if you don't make it out of your pajamas one day. You see your hair is always in a ponytail. You think you should be making yourself more presentable and wear make up to cover the bags under your eyes. Mommy, you're beautiful! I promise your smile makes you more beautiful than any makeup or hair style will do. Mommy, I want you to feel beautiful, so if some days you want to do yourself up, do it! I don't mind. I love you either way.
Mommy, you're doing a great job. I know I require pretty much all of your time. I know lately I've been wanting extra snuggles and attention, but I promise you it's just because I'm growing and getting more teeth. I know that brings on a whole extra set of worry and changes, but Mommy, don't worry! I'm just fine. I just love being held by you. I love your soothing voice as it rocks me to sleep. I love to see you and Daddy hug each other because it makes me feel loved and secure. Mommy, you're doing just fine. I love you so much.
Love,
Your Son, Lincoln
April 26, 2016
Dear Lincoln,
Oh my goodness. Today you are six months. I'm overwhelmed at this realization. I say this month after month, and today I'm just begging for time to slow down. Six months ago I held you in my arms and was flooded with all the emotions of a new mother. I still hold those emotions with me. I will cherish them all my life. The thoughts I had on that day are the same now: You are my son. You are mine. We are going to have great adventures together, Lincoln. You and me.
Lincoln, everyday I get up and look at you and smile. You grin at me with the most love, recognition, and devotion I've ever seen. It's such a reverent moment for me. You love me. I love you. Your Heavenly Father loves you. That love I feel cancels out any worry, doubt, or fear I may be going through. I have never experienced that before. Until you.
Lincoln, you have to know this upfront, your mother is cautious, and worries. And worries. I've really been trying to work on this. It's just that you're my first baby and I want to make sure I'm taking care of you, that you're developing the right way, and that you're healthy. I realize I cannot control everything, that negative things will happen to you, and that just totally freaks me out. I am one protective mama bear. Luckily, I don't dwell on these sad thoughts for very long. But, like I said, I'm always worried about you. I don't want you to grow up too fast. Just know that.
Oh Lincoln, how you are changing and growing! You now can sit up, with some assistance. You can roll over from your back to your stomach, and from your stomach to your back. You are babbling, and love to tell me what's up. I love your little noises! You just will sit there and we'll have a good conversation. I know on some level, we understand each other. It's priceless. You still love to take your naps falling asleep on me. You tried rice cereal for the first time and looked at me like I was trying to poison you. You're such a happy baby boy! Your smiles are my world. Your laughs are my world. I still can't stand when you cry, I just want to make it all better right at that moment. So yes, I'm always going to want to wrap you in my arms and hold you close until your world is all right again.
Lincoln, this world is a big place. It's a wonderful, scary place. You'll have many decisions to make. I'll make as many as I can for you, and hope that they are the right ones. Some lessons I want you learn early on:
-Be tolerant of people. You may not always like everyone, or agree with everyone. But you will need to respect them for who they are.
-Be optimistic. This world has so much commotion, so much filth, so much despair. But it has so much good as well. Find it. Hold onto it. Don't become discouraged for very long. It will work out-it always does.
-Decide what you want to believe. I will teach you and pass on my beliefs to you, my views of the world and so on. But I want you to decide for yourself and grow in knowledge and wisdom. I'll love you no matter what.
-Be a gentleman. You better believe I will teach you how to be a respectful, decent member of society. I will expect you to treat people with respect. I will expect you to be polite, thankful, and so on.
Well, as usual, I'm getting ahead of myself. I just look at you everyday and pray that I will do the best I can to raise you in such a way that is pleasing to myself and the Lord. But for now, you're my baby. And I can live with that.
Lincoln, you are my world. I love you.
Love,
Your Mother
Oh my goodness. Today you are six months. I'm overwhelmed at this realization. I say this month after month, and today I'm just begging for time to slow down. Six months ago I held you in my arms and was flooded with all the emotions of a new mother. I still hold those emotions with me. I will cherish them all my life. The thoughts I had on that day are the same now: You are my son. You are mine. We are going to have great adventures together, Lincoln. You and me.
Lincoln, everyday I get up and look at you and smile. You grin at me with the most love, recognition, and devotion I've ever seen. It's such a reverent moment for me. You love me. I love you. Your Heavenly Father loves you. That love I feel cancels out any worry, doubt, or fear I may be going through. I have never experienced that before. Until you.
Lincoln, you have to know this upfront, your mother is cautious, and worries. And worries. I've really been trying to work on this. It's just that you're my first baby and I want to make sure I'm taking care of you, that you're developing the right way, and that you're healthy. I realize I cannot control everything, that negative things will happen to you, and that just totally freaks me out. I am one protective mama bear. Luckily, I don't dwell on these sad thoughts for very long. But, like I said, I'm always worried about you. I don't want you to grow up too fast. Just know that.
Oh Lincoln, how you are changing and growing! You now can sit up, with some assistance. You can roll over from your back to your stomach, and from your stomach to your back. You are babbling, and love to tell me what's up. I love your little noises! You just will sit there and we'll have a good conversation. I know on some level, we understand each other. It's priceless. You still love to take your naps falling asleep on me. You tried rice cereal for the first time and looked at me like I was trying to poison you. You're such a happy baby boy! Your smiles are my world. Your laughs are my world. I still can't stand when you cry, I just want to make it all better right at that moment. So yes, I'm always going to want to wrap you in my arms and hold you close until your world is all right again.
Lincoln, this world is a big place. It's a wonderful, scary place. You'll have many decisions to make. I'll make as many as I can for you, and hope that they are the right ones. Some lessons I want you learn early on:
-Be tolerant of people. You may not always like everyone, or agree with everyone. But you will need to respect them for who they are.
-Be optimistic. This world has so much commotion, so much filth, so much despair. But it has so much good as well. Find it. Hold onto it. Don't become discouraged for very long. It will work out-it always does.
-Decide what you want to believe. I will teach you and pass on my beliefs to you, my views of the world and so on. But I want you to decide for yourself and grow in knowledge and wisdom. I'll love you no matter what.
-Be a gentleman. You better believe I will teach you how to be a respectful, decent member of society. I will expect you to treat people with respect. I will expect you to be polite, thankful, and so on.
Well, as usual, I'm getting ahead of myself. I just look at you everyday and pray that I will do the best I can to raise you in such a way that is pleasing to myself and the Lord. But for now, you're my baby. And I can live with that.
Lincoln, you are my world. I love you.
Love,
Your Mother
March 28, 2016
Dear Lincoln: Month 5
Dear Lincoln,
I'm going to be real with you. I cannot get over how fast time is going. I cannot get over how fast you're growing. I will say that until my dying breath- I cannot believe how fast time goes. It's really taught me to live more in the moment, to cherish every single moment with you. Some days, I admit, I get too caught up in things that don't matter. I've learned that those days don't go as well as the days that I just spend as much as I can with you.
Saturday was your five month mark. I'm sorry I didn't post this then. We were too busy! You had your first church social, and everyone wanted to see how big you were. You get compliments mostly for your eyes. Thank your Dad for them. It's pretty amazing when I look at you, I see both your Dad and I. You're our creation. How wonderful that is. How amazing that is. I look at babies a whole new way now. Each and every one really is someone's creation. What a wonderful gift that is.
Lincoln, I might be biased, but you really are the cutest baby I've ever seen. I'll let you in on a secret, I've never been a baby person. Maybe I'm still not. Everyone told me that it would be different when I would have my own. They were right- you, my baby boy, I cannot get enough of. For me, my favorite thing about you is your smile. It's unconditional, loving, and genuine. When you smile, you make everything about this world alright.
In these five months, you've learned to laugh. You've learned to smile. You're learned to develop your sitting and tummy time skills. Kid, I'm impressed. You do great with both of those. You've learned to pee while I'm changing you because you know it makes me laugh and it's funny to you too. You've learned to grab your toes-and they are your new favorite thing. You've discovered you have a voice-and boy, you're using it. I love every minute of it.
Lincoln, I cannot describe how much I love you, but you complete me. You are my life. You have my heart. Can you do me one favor though? Don't grow up too fast. You're always going to be my baby boy.
Love,
Your Mother
I'm going to be real with you. I cannot get over how fast time is going. I cannot get over how fast you're growing. I will say that until my dying breath- I cannot believe how fast time goes. It's really taught me to live more in the moment, to cherish every single moment with you. Some days, I admit, I get too caught up in things that don't matter. I've learned that those days don't go as well as the days that I just spend as much as I can with you.
Saturday was your five month mark. I'm sorry I didn't post this then. We were too busy! You had your first church social, and everyone wanted to see how big you were. You get compliments mostly for your eyes. Thank your Dad for them. It's pretty amazing when I look at you, I see both your Dad and I. You're our creation. How wonderful that is. How amazing that is. I look at babies a whole new way now. Each and every one really is someone's creation. What a wonderful gift that is.
Lincoln, I might be biased, but you really are the cutest baby I've ever seen. I'll let you in on a secret, I've never been a baby person. Maybe I'm still not. Everyone told me that it would be different when I would have my own. They were right- you, my baby boy, I cannot get enough of. For me, my favorite thing about you is your smile. It's unconditional, loving, and genuine. When you smile, you make everything about this world alright.
In these five months, you've learned to laugh. You've learned to smile. You're learned to develop your sitting and tummy time skills. Kid, I'm impressed. You do great with both of those. You've learned to pee while I'm changing you because you know it makes me laugh and it's funny to you too. You've learned to grab your toes-and they are your new favorite thing. You've discovered you have a voice-and boy, you're using it. I love every minute of it.
Lincoln, I cannot describe how much I love you, but you complete me. You are my life. You have my heart. Can you do me one favor though? Don't grow up too fast. You're always going to be my baby boy.
Love,
Your Mother
March 17, 2016
Dear Lincoln: You and I kid.
Dear Lincoln,
This week has been such a good week for you and I. You've been such a happy little boy! And you're well on your way to becoming a baby boy and no longer a newborn. That saddens me just a little bit. Oh how I loved having a newborn! I loved watching you sleep and make your contented sighs. I loved how you slept on me ALL the time. I do miss those short months, but we've come into a new stage. You're so much fun to be around, always smiling and laughing with your mama. Your smile melts my heart EVERY single time I see you.
The other day we had such a special bonding moment. I was leaning over to say hi to you in your pack and play and you just reached up and started feeling my face. Usually, you're pretty quick to pull my hair or my neck, but this time you just stared at me and your little hands roamed my face. It's like you were saying hello. This lasted for a few moments, and then your little coy smile appeared and you started grabbing my hair. But I didn't care. I would've let you pull it all out if I could get another moment like that again with you. You and I kid, we're going to have a lot of bonding moments.
Today isn't really a special day, but it's just been a good week. You've even fallen asleep on me a couple of times, which by the way, don't stop doing for a while. I love it. You've just been talking and laughing with me. Whoever says motherhood isn't a real job is lying. Whoever says just staying home with your baby isn't a real job is lying. This is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever done. It's the most rewarding thing I've ever done. I'm happy to have you by my side Lincoln. You and I kid, we're going to have a lot of adventures together.
Lincoln, I'll love you forever, I'll love you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.
My heart has been full this week. I've thanked my Heavenly Father every day for letting Him trust in me to be your mama. You make me so happy. You make me smile more than I ever have. You give me a reason for living, and you give me the strength to become better. I can never thank you enough. You and I kid, we're going places.
Love,
Your Mother
This week has been such a good week for you and I. You've been such a happy little boy! And you're well on your way to becoming a baby boy and no longer a newborn. That saddens me just a little bit. Oh how I loved having a newborn! I loved watching you sleep and make your contented sighs. I loved how you slept on me ALL the time. I do miss those short months, but we've come into a new stage. You're so much fun to be around, always smiling and laughing with your mama. Your smile melts my heart EVERY single time I see you.
The other day we had such a special bonding moment. I was leaning over to say hi to you in your pack and play and you just reached up and started feeling my face. Usually, you're pretty quick to pull my hair or my neck, but this time you just stared at me and your little hands roamed my face. It's like you were saying hello. This lasted for a few moments, and then your little coy smile appeared and you started grabbing my hair. But I didn't care. I would've let you pull it all out if I could get another moment like that again with you. You and I kid, we're going to have a lot of bonding moments.
Today isn't really a special day, but it's just been a good week. You've even fallen asleep on me a couple of times, which by the way, don't stop doing for a while. I love it. You've just been talking and laughing with me. Whoever says motherhood isn't a real job is lying. Whoever says just staying home with your baby isn't a real job is lying. This is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever done. It's the most rewarding thing I've ever done. I'm happy to have you by my side Lincoln. You and I kid, we're going to have a lot of adventures together.
Lincoln, I'll love you forever, I'll love you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.
My heart has been full this week. I've thanked my Heavenly Father every day for letting Him trust in me to be your mama. You make me so happy. You make me smile more than I ever have. You give me a reason for living, and you give me the strength to become better. I can never thank you enough. You and I kid, we're going places.
Love,
Your Mother
February 26, 2016
Dear Lincoln: 4 Months
Dear Lincoln,
Today you are four months old. I seriously cannot comprehend that you are growing up so fast. I really can't believe that just four months ago you came into this world. The emotions I have when I had you to the emotions I have with you now still overwhelm me. The love. Worry. Surprise. Proud. Hope. Fear. I'm always finding myself just staring at you and thinking, "You are my son." I've said before I have always been extremely selective about the people I let into my life. My heart. And you, my son, have captured my heart from the first moment I saw you. Before I had you, I really thought you would have to work your way into my heart like everyone else has to. But no. Apparently you received a free pass on that. That's about all the free passes I'm going to give you :)
Lincoln, you are my life. You are the reason I get up every day and live. You have no idea just how much you have changed me-for the better. I look at myself in the mirror everyday and instead of my insecurities shouting out my flaws, I see me as you see me. And trust me, that's worth the pain and discomfort of bringing you into this world. You love me unconditionally. You don't see any flaws or imperfections, you just see your mama.
Lincoln, at four months, you love: your newly discovered toes. Having your diaper changed. Being tickled by Daddy. Bath time. Being sung to, especially before bedtime. Your favorite toys. Swinging.
Things you are less thrilled with: being hungry. Being tired. Just waking up from a nap. Having the sun in your eyes.
Lincoln, I love you. I don't have any more eloquent way to say that. But that is the one thing I want you to always know about me. That I love you, and hope you are never scared to share anything with me or your Dad. We'll love you no matter what.
I have always turned to music when I'm happy, upset, confused, or in a contemplating mood. And so, today being your four month milestone, this is the song I can't get out of my head. I have listened to it over and over already this morning. I might have even cried a bit :) Enjoy.
Love,
Your Mother
Today you are four months old. I seriously cannot comprehend that you are growing up so fast. I really can't believe that just four months ago you came into this world. The emotions I have when I had you to the emotions I have with you now still overwhelm me. The love. Worry. Surprise. Proud. Hope. Fear. I'm always finding myself just staring at you and thinking, "You are my son." I've said before I have always been extremely selective about the people I let into my life. My heart. And you, my son, have captured my heart from the first moment I saw you. Before I had you, I really thought you would have to work your way into my heart like everyone else has to. But no. Apparently you received a free pass on that. That's about all the free passes I'm going to give you :)
Lincoln, you are my life. You are the reason I get up every day and live. You have no idea just how much you have changed me-for the better. I look at myself in the mirror everyday and instead of my insecurities shouting out my flaws, I see me as you see me. And trust me, that's worth the pain and discomfort of bringing you into this world. You love me unconditionally. You don't see any flaws or imperfections, you just see your mama.
Lincoln, at four months, you love: your newly discovered toes. Having your diaper changed. Being tickled by Daddy. Bath time. Being sung to, especially before bedtime. Your favorite toys. Swinging.
Things you are less thrilled with: being hungry. Being tired. Just waking up from a nap. Having the sun in your eyes.
Lincoln, I love you. I don't have any more eloquent way to say that. But that is the one thing I want you to always know about me. That I love you, and hope you are never scared to share anything with me or your Dad. We'll love you no matter what.
I have always turned to music when I'm happy, upset, confused, or in a contemplating mood. And so, today being your four month milestone, this is the song I can't get out of my head. I have listened to it over and over already this morning. I might have even cried a bit :) Enjoy.
Love,
Your Mother
My Wish by Rascal Flatts
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you wanna go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you live,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And always give more than you take.
But more than anything, yeah, more than anything
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish. Yeah, yeah.
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish (my wish, for you).
This is my wish (my wish, for you)
I hope you know somebody loves you (my wish, for you).
May all your dreams stay big (my wish, for you)
February 4, 2016
Dear Lincoln: You'll Be in My Heart
Dear Lincoln,
This morning was a little rough going wasn't it? You just wanted to be held by your mom. At first I admit, I was getting a little impatient. A little overwhelmed. A little exasperated. But then as I picked you up, I couldn't help but recall this song from the Disney movie Tarzan, "You'll Be in My Heart." And then of course I had to look it up and listen to it. And then I started singing it to you and dancing with you in your room. And my whole attitude changed. Because love really does overcome all. It whispers away doubt, calms any fear, and soothes the heart. I couldn't be mad with you because all you want is me. You're my baby, and I promise to always take care of you. I'll always love you. You're always in my heart and I always carry a prayer for you.
Love,
Your Mother
Come stop your crying
This morning was a little rough going wasn't it? You just wanted to be held by your mom. At first I admit, I was getting a little impatient. A little overwhelmed. A little exasperated. But then as I picked you up, I couldn't help but recall this song from the Disney movie Tarzan, "You'll Be in My Heart." And then of course I had to look it up and listen to it. And then I started singing it to you and dancing with you in your room. And my whole attitude changed. Because love really does overcome all. It whispers away doubt, calms any fear, and soothes the heart. I couldn't be mad with you because all you want is me. You're my baby, and I promise to always take care of you. I'll always love you. You're always in my heart and I always carry a prayer for you.
Love,
Your Mother
Come stop your crying
It will be alright
Just take my hand
Hold it tight
I will protect you
From all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry
For one so small,
You seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
Keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart, always
January 26, 2016
Dear Lincoln: Month Three
Dear Lincoln,
Today you are three months old. I still can't believe you're my son. I can't believe you're mine. We've got a good thing going so far, don't we? Our days are filled with smiles and kisses and cuddles. I never imagined being a mother would feel this way-filled with more love for someone than I could ever imagine. I love taking care of you, comforting you, and cuddling with you. I love when you I make you smile. I love when I come in the room, you light up and stretch out in my direction. I love when you wake up in the morning and completely grin from ear to ear when I come to your crib to get you. To say you are the light in my life is an understatement.
I'm really trying to live in each moment with you Lincoln. I love seeing you grow and develop. I love imaging the kind of person you will be. It's true what they say, I can't imagine my life before having you.
The days where I'm overwhelmed are still there of course, but they're becoming fewer and fewer. You and I have a good routine together and I'm understanding your language. I think you're understanding mine. Today has been an whirlwind of emotions, I didn't think I would have such an emotional one. I'm just filled with love for you. I can't express quite everything I'm feeling, but that's all right. All I care about is loving you and raising you to be a man of kindness, courage, and strength. I promise you I will do my best. I love you.
Love,
Your Mother
Today you are three months old. I still can't believe you're my son. I can't believe you're mine. We've got a good thing going so far, don't we? Our days are filled with smiles and kisses and cuddles. I never imagined being a mother would feel this way-filled with more love for someone than I could ever imagine. I love taking care of you, comforting you, and cuddling with you. I love when you I make you smile. I love when I come in the room, you light up and stretch out in my direction. I love when you wake up in the morning and completely grin from ear to ear when I come to your crib to get you. To say you are the light in my life is an understatement.
"Motherhood has taught me the meaning of living in the moment and being at peace. Children don't think about yesterday, and they don't think about tomorrow. They just exist in the moment."
The days where I'm overwhelmed are still there of course, but they're becoming fewer and fewer. You and I have a good routine together and I'm understanding your language. I think you're understanding mine. Today has been an whirlwind of emotions, I didn't think I would have such an emotional one. I'm just filled with love for you. I can't express quite everything I'm feeling, but that's all right. All I care about is loving you and raising you to be a man of kindness, courage, and strength. I promise you I will do my best. I love you.
Love,
Your Mother
January 4, 2016
Dear Lincoln: 2016
Dear Lincoln,
Happy New Year, my son. I know you don't understand yet, but you'll find out that your mom loves celebrating the New Year. Not in the traditional, worldly sense, but in a quiet, reflective way. I am always ready for a new year. It's a wonderful opportunity to live. We are given the chance to renew ourselves, to become better, to improve. What amazing gifts those are, given to us year after year. Honestly I guess you could say they even come to us day after day. So here I am, after the new year has arrived, and I'm in a quiet, reflective mood.
A couple of years ago your aunt Shannon introduced me to a new way of looking at what a year could be to us, how it could be more meaningful. She would think of one word as her guide throughout the new year. I loved that idea. It seemed simplistic, more realistic instead of making a long list of resolutions that I couldn't achieve. I've tested it out the past couple of years, and this year, I will do it again. My word?
Enjoy.
You might say this word will become attached to the both of us, Lincoln. Because this year is the first year I'm not only striving to improve myself, but teaching you! Is that daunting or what? Well, not daunting. But it is a huge responsibility. If I think about it long enough, yes, I would become overwhelmed. So I thought of this word-enjoy. It's certainly a word I heard enough of when I was pregnant with you. People would tell me and continue to tell me, "Enjoy being pregnant, because he'll be here sooner than later!" or "Enjoy him now, they grow too fast!" And every time I heard that I would shrug it off thinking, "Ok, I get it." But now as I really ponder it, yes, I do need to enjoy every minute with you, Lincoln.
I need to enjoy these late night cuddle times.
I need to enjoy these peaceful days with you, learning more about you.
I need to enjoy getting to know your personality.
I need to enjoy seeing you bond with me and your dad.
I need to enjoy seeing you smile at me and savor those moments!
I need to enjoy changing your diapers, because yes, I don't mind doing that. Because it's something I can do for you.
I need to enjoy you falling asleep on me because one day, you'll be too big for that.
I catch myself looking forward to the next phase with you, Lincoln. Although that's fine, I want to enjoy my time with you now. Because I love you. And not only enough being with you, but enjoy myself as a mother to you. That is something I've struggled identifying myself as. People asked me right after you were born, "Don't you just love being a mother!" I found I couldn't give them the answer they probably wanted to hear, which was "Yes, of course!" Don't misunderstand me, Lincoln. I love you. More than the whole world. And yes, I am honored beyond my ability to comprehend that I am your mother. But I don't quite understand what it all means to me yet. So, like with everything else, be patient with me. There is one thing I do understand about motherhood though, something I have no trouble understanding. It's love. I feel so sappy now, even writing this, but it's true what they say. Your knowledge about love expands when you have a child. You're forever a part of me,Lincoln and I love you. So I will enjoy loving you. Every single day of my life.
Love,
Your Mother
Happy New Year, my son. I know you don't understand yet, but you'll find out that your mom loves celebrating the New Year. Not in the traditional, worldly sense, but in a quiet, reflective way. I am always ready for a new year. It's a wonderful opportunity to live. We are given the chance to renew ourselves, to become better, to improve. What amazing gifts those are, given to us year after year. Honestly I guess you could say they even come to us day after day. So here I am, after the new year has arrived, and I'm in a quiet, reflective mood.
A couple of years ago your aunt Shannon introduced me to a new way of looking at what a year could be to us, how it could be more meaningful. She would think of one word as her guide throughout the new year. I loved that idea. It seemed simplistic, more realistic instead of making a long list of resolutions that I couldn't achieve. I've tested it out the past couple of years, and this year, I will do it again. My word?
Enjoy.
You might say this word will become attached to the both of us, Lincoln. Because this year is the first year I'm not only striving to improve myself, but teaching you! Is that daunting or what? Well, not daunting. But it is a huge responsibility. If I think about it long enough, yes, I would become overwhelmed. So I thought of this word-enjoy. It's certainly a word I heard enough of when I was pregnant with you. People would tell me and continue to tell me, "Enjoy being pregnant, because he'll be here sooner than later!" or "Enjoy him now, they grow too fast!" And every time I heard that I would shrug it off thinking, "Ok, I get it." But now as I really ponder it, yes, I do need to enjoy every minute with you, Lincoln.
I need to enjoy these late night cuddle times.
I need to enjoy these peaceful days with you, learning more about you.
I need to enjoy getting to know your personality.
I need to enjoy seeing you bond with me and your dad.
I need to enjoy seeing you smile at me and savor those moments!
I need to enjoy changing your diapers, because yes, I don't mind doing that. Because it's something I can do for you.
I need to enjoy you falling asleep on me because one day, you'll be too big for that.
I catch myself looking forward to the next phase with you, Lincoln. Although that's fine, I want to enjoy my time with you now. Because I love you. And not only enough being with you, but enjoy myself as a mother to you. That is something I've struggled identifying myself as. People asked me right after you were born, "Don't you just love being a mother!" I found I couldn't give them the answer they probably wanted to hear, which was "Yes, of course!" Don't misunderstand me, Lincoln. I love you. More than the whole world. And yes, I am honored beyond my ability to comprehend that I am your mother. But I don't quite understand what it all means to me yet. So, like with everything else, be patient with me. There is one thing I do understand about motherhood though, something I have no trouble understanding. It's love. I feel so sappy now, even writing this, but it's true what they say. Your knowledge about love expands when you have a child. You're forever a part of me,Lincoln and I love you. So I will enjoy loving you. Every single day of my life.
Love,
Your Mother
November 26, 2015
Dear Lincoln: Thanksgiving 2015
Dear Lincoln,
It must be the holiday season that has me in such a contemplative mood. I've reflected a lot on this past year this week. If you would have asked me in January if I thought I would have a baby by the end of the year, I would have thought you were absolutely insane. You see, I thought I was pretty content with my life. I had a good job, I had a church calling I adored-working with the Young Women. I had your Dad, and things seemed set in stone for a while.
One of the biggest lessons I've learned in life is when you start to get really comfortable, change must happen. I think that's because it helps us not become too indifferent, too proud, or what else. It's like using a muscle that's been pulled, if you don't work to make it useful again, it will just stay the way it is. So Lincoln, this is one lesson I will teach you. Change will happen, and even though it's hard (and that is seriously one hard sentence to write) it is usually for our good. The Lord knows what He wants us to accomplish, and it's up to us to learn what and why.
So of course change happened to your Dad and I. Your Dad and I moved from Modesto to Turlock. That was one hard move. I didn't want to move. I had to leave behind a terrific ward, calling, and friends. Even though it was not a huge move distance-wise, it was a huge move for me. And it was hard. So we moved in March. I still had my job, but had to commute just a little bit further. And then not too long afterwards, I found out I was pregnant with you. Talk about an earth shattering change. All of a sudden, all my plans I had mapped out needed to be changed. I had to make plans to quit my job. And I really didn't want to do that. I had been working since I was fifteen. I loved the feeling of making my own money, putting my education to good use, and feeling a sense of independence. I really didn't want to give that up. But, I knew it was the best thing for our family. Change must happen.
It's been an emotional week for me Lincoln. I am happy you are a part of our family. I am honored you are able to celebrate Thanksgiving with us this year, because more than anything, I am thankful for you. For the peace and happiness you bring me everyday. I am thankful for you teaching me that being a stay at home mother is really a job-harder than any previous job I've held. As this holiday season is slowly becoming full swing, I've thought about my hopes and dreams for you. Usually at this time every year, I think about myself and what I need to improve, what I want to accomplish the upcoming year, etc. How refreshing it is to think about someone else! I keep thinking of what I must do to help you become the person you are meant to be. As I've been thinking about this, one of my favorite songs kept popping in my mind. So I'll share it with you.
It must be the holiday season that has me in such a contemplative mood. I've reflected a lot on this past year this week. If you would have asked me in January if I thought I would have a baby by the end of the year, I would have thought you were absolutely insane. You see, I thought I was pretty content with my life. I had a good job, I had a church calling I adored-working with the Young Women. I had your Dad, and things seemed set in stone for a while.
One of the biggest lessons I've learned in life is when you start to get really comfortable, change must happen. I think that's because it helps us not become too indifferent, too proud, or what else. It's like using a muscle that's been pulled, if you don't work to make it useful again, it will just stay the way it is. So Lincoln, this is one lesson I will teach you. Change will happen, and even though it's hard (and that is seriously one hard sentence to write) it is usually for our good. The Lord knows what He wants us to accomplish, and it's up to us to learn what and why.
So of course change happened to your Dad and I. Your Dad and I moved from Modesto to Turlock. That was one hard move. I didn't want to move. I had to leave behind a terrific ward, calling, and friends. Even though it was not a huge move distance-wise, it was a huge move for me. And it was hard. So we moved in March. I still had my job, but had to commute just a little bit further. And then not too long afterwards, I found out I was pregnant with you. Talk about an earth shattering change. All of a sudden, all my plans I had mapped out needed to be changed. I had to make plans to quit my job. And I really didn't want to do that. I had been working since I was fifteen. I loved the feeling of making my own money, putting my education to good use, and feeling a sense of independence. I really didn't want to give that up. But, I knew it was the best thing for our family. Change must happen.
It's been an emotional week for me Lincoln. I am happy you are a part of our family. I am honored you are able to celebrate Thanksgiving with us this year, because more than anything, I am thankful for you. For the peace and happiness you bring me everyday. I am thankful for you teaching me that being a stay at home mother is really a job-harder than any previous job I've held. As this holiday season is slowly becoming full swing, I've thought about my hopes and dreams for you. Usually at this time every year, I think about myself and what I need to improve, what I want to accomplish the upcoming year, etc. How refreshing it is to think about someone else! I keep thinking of what I must do to help you become the person you are meant to be. As I've been thinking about this, one of my favorite songs kept popping in my mind. So I'll share it with you.
Simple Man
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Mama told me when I was young
"Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say
And if you do this it'll help you some sunny day"
"Oh, take your time, don't live too fast
Troubles will come and they will pass
You'll find a woman and you'll find love
And don't forget, son, there is someone up above"
"And be a simple kind of man
Oh, be something you love and understand
Baby be a simple kind of man
Oh, won't you do this for me, son, if you can"
"Forget your lust for the rich man's gold
All that you need is in your soul
And you can do this, oh baby, if you try
All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied"
"And be a simple kind of man
Oh, be something you love and understand
Baby be a simple kind of man
Oh, won't you do this for me, son, if you can"
Oh yes, I will
"Boy, don't you worry, you'll find yourself
Follow your heart and nothing else
And you can do this, oh baby, if you try
All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied"
"And be a simple kind of man
Oh, be something you love and understand
Baby be a simple kind of man
Oh, won't you do this for me, son, if you can"
Baby, be a simple, really simple man
Oh, be something you love and understand
Lincoln, I can't find the words to tell you how much I love you. I am blown away by the amount of love I have for you. I love you and your Dad more than anything else in this world. I love you, my son.
Love,
Your Mother
November 23, 2015
Dear Lincoln: Month One
5:24 a.m. November 23, 2015.
Dear Lincoln,
Today you are a month old. I really don't know where the past month has gone. I still can't believe you're here. I can't believe you're mine. I can't believe I gave birth to you! You see, your mom has always been repulsed by needles, blood, and pain. Yes, I am a wimp. You'll have plenty of time to make fun of me for that later. Just the thought of physically having a baby scared the heck out of me my entire life. I really didn't want to do it. During the entire pregnancy with you, I honestly just pushed the thought of labor out of my head. I didn't even think about it. Until October 25th.
October 25th, 2015.
I woke up on that Sunday not feeling really good. I was having some discomfort so I decided I better not go to church. I spent that entire day pretty much on the couch, on all fours, wondering what the heck was going on. I remember thinking there was a good chance I was having contractions, so like any normal person I googled it. I couldn't decide if what I was feeling was real or Braxton Hicks, so I just put up with it. Thank goodness your Dad only had a half day of work that day. When he came home I explained what was happening. He was just as confused as me. It wasn't until 6:30 p.m. when my water broke that I realized I had been having contractions and had basically been in labor all day. Good to know-I'll be more prepared next time.
I told your Dad my water broke. I remember my nerves taking over and shaking like crazy. This was real. It was happening. The next step was delivering you. I was kind of a wreck. Your Dad, ever the calm one, told me to relax, take a shower, and that he would get everything together. I remember not even taking the time to blow dry my hair, because I was too anxious. I just wanted to get to the hospital. When we arrived, they wheeled me into one of the labor and delivery rooms. I remember thinking it was weird that somebody was pushing me in a wheelchair. I didn't feel like I needed one. The things you think about when you're nervous. Once in the room, we were told we weren't going home, that I was already dilated to a five. I was in shock. I had no idea how soon you'd arrive, so we made ourselves as comfortable as we could (hospital beds and couches are not comfortable. I'll make sure you bring extra pillows when you and your wife have a baby). Your Uncle Sam happened to be in town, and he stopped by to see how we were doing and to give me a blessing. I was so thankful for that. I knew I would need all the strength I could get. I let your Dad sleep as much as he could. I was too anxious to really sleep. I watched a lot of Golden Girls throughout the night. I was happy for the distraction. The contractions started to get uncomfortable, so I was all ready for an epidural. Then I felt like a new woman. I thought it was amazing that I couldn't really feel those contractions. I just kept wondering when you'd arrive.
October 26th, 2015.
You took your sweet time getting here. It wasn't until the afternoon that you arrived. I wasn't really all there when you finally arrived. My eyes were shut and I was pretty tired, as I'm sure you were. When the nurses told me you weighed 8 1/2 lbs, I was floored. You are my badge of honor Lincoln. I was exhausted. I remember looking over at you and just being in disbelief. You were finally here. You were healthy. You were perfect.
5:47 a.m. November 23, 2015.
This past month has been a bit of a whirlwind for me Lincoln. You have been visited by so many people who love you and were so excited to see you. Many people have helped me--I truly am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. You are such a good baby. I love when you sleep on my shoulder, and I hear you sigh with content. You are growing healthy and strong with every new day. I thank my Heavenly Father that He trusted me and has confidence in me that I can be your mother. I know I don't always give myself the credit I deserve. I must have read Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk a thousand times this past month. When I have my moments of self doubt and worry, I remember his words:
Dear Lincoln,
Today you are a month old. I really don't know where the past month has gone. I still can't believe you're here. I can't believe you're mine. I can't believe I gave birth to you! You see, your mom has always been repulsed by needles, blood, and pain. Yes, I am a wimp. You'll have plenty of time to make fun of me for that later. Just the thought of physically having a baby scared the heck out of me my entire life. I really didn't want to do it. During the entire pregnancy with you, I honestly just pushed the thought of labor out of my head. I didn't even think about it. Until October 25th.
October 25th, 2015.
I woke up on that Sunday not feeling really good. I was having some discomfort so I decided I better not go to church. I spent that entire day pretty much on the couch, on all fours, wondering what the heck was going on. I remember thinking there was a good chance I was having contractions, so like any normal person I googled it. I couldn't decide if what I was feeling was real or Braxton Hicks, so I just put up with it. Thank goodness your Dad only had a half day of work that day. When he came home I explained what was happening. He was just as confused as me. It wasn't until 6:30 p.m. when my water broke that I realized I had been having contractions and had basically been in labor all day. Good to know-I'll be more prepared next time.
I told your Dad my water broke. I remember my nerves taking over and shaking like crazy. This was real. It was happening. The next step was delivering you. I was kind of a wreck. Your Dad, ever the calm one, told me to relax, take a shower, and that he would get everything together. I remember not even taking the time to blow dry my hair, because I was too anxious. I just wanted to get to the hospital. When we arrived, they wheeled me into one of the labor and delivery rooms. I remember thinking it was weird that somebody was pushing me in a wheelchair. I didn't feel like I needed one. The things you think about when you're nervous. Once in the room, we were told we weren't going home, that I was already dilated to a five. I was in shock. I had no idea how soon you'd arrive, so we made ourselves as comfortable as we could (hospital beds and couches are not comfortable. I'll make sure you bring extra pillows when you and your wife have a baby). Your Uncle Sam happened to be in town, and he stopped by to see how we were doing and to give me a blessing. I was so thankful for that. I knew I would need all the strength I could get. I let your Dad sleep as much as he could. I was too anxious to really sleep. I watched a lot of Golden Girls throughout the night. I was happy for the distraction. The contractions started to get uncomfortable, so I was all ready for an epidural. Then I felt like a new woman. I thought it was amazing that I couldn't really feel those contractions. I just kept wondering when you'd arrive.
October 26th, 2015.
You took your sweet time getting here. It wasn't until the afternoon that you arrived. I wasn't really all there when you finally arrived. My eyes were shut and I was pretty tired, as I'm sure you were. When the nurses told me you weighed 8 1/2 lbs, I was floored. You are my badge of honor Lincoln. I was exhausted. I remember looking over at you and just being in disbelief. You were finally here. You were healthy. You were perfect.
5:47 a.m. November 23, 2015.
This past month has been a bit of a whirlwind for me Lincoln. You have been visited by so many people who love you and were so excited to see you. Many people have helped me--I truly am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. You are such a good baby. I love when you sleep on my shoulder, and I hear you sigh with content. You are growing healthy and strong with every new day. I thank my Heavenly Father that He trusted me and has confidence in me that I can be your mother. I know I don't always give myself the credit I deserve. I must have read Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk a thousand times this past month. When I have my moments of self doubt and worry, I remember his words:
"'Be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are."
--Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
Lincoln, I love you. I am forever changed because of you.
Love,
Your Mother
October 19, 2015
Dear Lincoln #4
Dear Lincoln,
I can't believe we're already in the countdown zone until we are able to meet you. Two more weeks depending if everything is on schedule. No pressure or anything though. You will come when you are ready, and I am more than okay with that.
Your Dad and I finished your nursery yesterday. I have spent most of today walking by it, standing in the doorway and contemplating the significance of your room. It comes with a lot of unknowns and anxiety of course, but mostly I feel peace when I look into it. I fill that room up with my love, hopes, and dreams for you. I look forward to the feelings of love and tenderness that will be felt there.
Lincoln, I am still very much a whirlwind of emotions when I think that I will be your mother. Being a mother in general is something I never envisioned myself as. Yet as the days draw closer, I feel that peace and comfort overpower any other emotion I feel. I admit, I still cannot grasp what it means to be a mother-- the only things I have to go on is my own instinct, and your amazing grandma and her example. Because she's such a wonderful mother to me :) I know, admit it, I worry a lot. I know it will come together piece by piece. Just be patient with me. We'll navigate this new journey together. I'll have your back if you have mine :)
I've thought a lot these past few days about how quick nine months really does fly by. I spent most of my pregnancy working, and that kept me busy and my mind off the anxiety I was feeling. I remember thinking how quickly November would come, and true enough, it's right around the corner. I've spent the last couple of months preparing as much as I can, in my own way, for you. Everything improvement I've made, everything I do, I do for and because of you.
Your Dad and I are now anxiously waiting your arrival. We can't wait to meet you. You have many people waiting here who already love you. So, come when you are ready. I'll be waiting.
Love,
Your Mother
I can't believe we're already in the countdown zone until we are able to meet you. Two more weeks depending if everything is on schedule. No pressure or anything though. You will come when you are ready, and I am more than okay with that.
Your Dad and I finished your nursery yesterday. I have spent most of today walking by it, standing in the doorway and contemplating the significance of your room. It comes with a lot of unknowns and anxiety of course, but mostly I feel peace when I look into it. I fill that room up with my love, hopes, and dreams for you. I look forward to the feelings of love and tenderness that will be felt there.
Lincoln, I am still very much a whirlwind of emotions when I think that I will be your mother. Being a mother in general is something I never envisioned myself as. Yet as the days draw closer, I feel that peace and comfort overpower any other emotion I feel. I admit, I still cannot grasp what it means to be a mother-- the only things I have to go on is my own instinct, and your amazing grandma and her example. Because she's such a wonderful mother to me :) I know, admit it, I worry a lot. I know it will come together piece by piece. Just be patient with me. We'll navigate this new journey together. I'll have your back if you have mine :)
I've thought a lot these past few days about how quick nine months really does fly by. I spent most of my pregnancy working, and that kept me busy and my mind off the anxiety I was feeling. I remember thinking how quickly November would come, and true enough, it's right around the corner. I've spent the last couple of months preparing as much as I can, in my own way, for you. Everything improvement I've made, everything I do, I do for and because of you.
Your Dad and I are now anxiously waiting your arrival. We can't wait to meet you. You have many people waiting here who already love you. So, come when you are ready. I'll be waiting.
Love,
Your Mother
August 14, 2015
Dear Lincoln #3
Dear Lincoln,
Today is a special day for your Dad and I. Today is our anniversary. We've been married six years. But this anniversary is even more special, because you're a part of it! I can't believe your Dad and I have been married that long :) It's hard to believe that one day you'll be looking to marry a special girl. Thank goodness that's not for many, many years!
I know I say I always worry about you, and that's true. But I also look forward to all the things you will get to experience. I believe you will teach me new ways of looking at the world. I believe you will teach me to see more of the good in people rather than the negative. I believe you will teach me that love has no limits.
Your Dad and I have spent six wonderful years together. Since the day we got married, we've been a busy couple. We both finished college and earned our diplomas. We've moved around quite a bit. Around eight times to be exact. We've both worked hard to support ourselves through school and then as normal everyday adults. We purchased our first home, and then another. We've had our highs and lows. Six years seems like it has gone by in a wink. I remember thinking when we were first married that we had such a long time before we would have to think about kids. I remember we kept wanting to achieve milestones before would begin seriously considering starting a family. Well Lincoln, we achieved those goals. We have no regrets about the way we have spent our married life thus far. And now our new adventure begins with you!
You may be wondering what your Dad and I are like. How we could stand to be together for such a long time :) Well, maybe that will be for another day. Your Dad and I don't like to talk about ourselves so much. We're both pretty private and quiet people. But I'll have you know that your Dad is one of the kindest, most hard working people I know. Maybe I'll have him describe me to you sometime. But one thing is for sure about your mother- I sure do love you. Which is another odd experience for me. I've always been so selective of the people in my life. I didn't get to choose you, you chose us. But I am very grateful you did.
Lincoln, I am grateful you get to be a part of our anniversary this year. It's definitely a new experience, but I like embracing it.
Love,
Your Mother
Today is a special day for your Dad and I. Today is our anniversary. We've been married six years. But this anniversary is even more special, because you're a part of it! I can't believe your Dad and I have been married that long :) It's hard to believe that one day you'll be looking to marry a special girl. Thank goodness that's not for many, many years!
I know I say I always worry about you, and that's true. But I also look forward to all the things you will get to experience. I believe you will teach me new ways of looking at the world. I believe you will teach me to see more of the good in people rather than the negative. I believe you will teach me that love has no limits.
Your Dad and I have spent six wonderful years together. Since the day we got married, we've been a busy couple. We both finished college and earned our diplomas. We've moved around quite a bit. Around eight times to be exact. We've both worked hard to support ourselves through school and then as normal everyday adults. We purchased our first home, and then another. We've had our highs and lows. Six years seems like it has gone by in a wink. I remember thinking when we were first married that we had such a long time before we would have to think about kids. I remember we kept wanting to achieve milestones before would begin seriously considering starting a family. Well Lincoln, we achieved those goals. We have no regrets about the way we have spent our married life thus far. And now our new adventure begins with you!
You may be wondering what your Dad and I are like. How we could stand to be together for such a long time :) Well, maybe that will be for another day. Your Dad and I don't like to talk about ourselves so much. We're both pretty private and quiet people. But I'll have you know that your Dad is one of the kindest, most hard working people I know. Maybe I'll have him describe me to you sometime. But one thing is for sure about your mother- I sure do love you. Which is another odd experience for me. I've always been so selective of the people in my life. I didn't get to choose you, you chose us. But I am very grateful you did.
Lincoln, I am grateful you get to be a part of our anniversary this year. It's definitely a new experience, but I like embracing it.
Love,
Your Mother
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