June 27, 2015

Dear Lincoln #1

Almost a year since my last blog post...it's amazing how busy life becomes. With both Denver and I working full time for the past year, we've both been preoccupied. I have to say, I've learned a lot this past year. A lot more about myself, life, and marriage. Since the old birthday is right around the corner, and maybe because I'll be a mother by the end of the year (what?!) I thought it counted as a perfect time to reflect what's been on my mind. Which is something that never leaves my mind-the little man who is growing inside me. Mr. Lincoln Sawyer. I find myself talking to him more in my head, and I thought I would share some of those thoughts here. 

Dear Lincoln: 

When your dad and I found out we were expecting, I have to admit I reacted in a way that probably bordered on a meltdown. I can't quite describe to you how I was feeling. I was mainly down right terrified. Having kids was something I knew would probably, maybe, eventually happen, but wasn't something I was totally looking forward to. I hope you understand where I'm coming from. It had just been your Dad and I for almost six years. I began to wonder if we were going to have kids. I was beginning to accept the fact that it probably wouldn't happen, and then it did! It was such a life changing moment for me when I saw those two pink lines. In fact, I had to take six tests to actually convince myself that what I was looking at was not in my imagination. I have to give it to your Dad- he stood by my side and tried to reassure me that this was a happy moment. This was a good moment. After all, you were no mistake. 

Lincoln, there is something you need to know about me. I worry all the time. I worry about you already. I hope you are growing healthy. I worry about if I'm eating all right, if I'm getting enough exercise, if I am doing everything in my power to help you be as healthy as you can be. I apologize right now, I will do my best not to constantly worry about you. But don't blame me entirely. I'm only doing it because I love you. 

I have to give you kudos for making this pregnancy relatively easy for me. It's like you knew how hard emotionally this was going to be for me, so you're letting me ease into it. Already watching out for your Mom. I admire that about you. I think you and your Dad share that quality. Always making sure I'm watched and cared for. And that you would do everything in your power to not see me hurt. Maybe you can ease up on those leg cramps? Just saying :) 

Lincoln, there is so much I will learn being your mom. I've learned to take this a day at a time, because the thought of raising you is not something I can do all at once. So please be patient with me. I hope it's not discouraging to see me so hesitant, so unsure. But I want you to know I am doing my best to be someone you can look up to. I know you already know your Dad and I aren't perfect. We make mistakes all the time. We say things we don't mean. But we love you. 

Love your mother.