February 8, 2017

Dear Lincoln: I'm Not Perfect, I'm Glad You Love Me Anyway

Dear Lincoln, 

A lot has been on my mind lately. Life is moving us forward whether I'm ready for it or not. You are becoming so independent and developing everyday. You are already sixteen months. I've been learning a lot this past year. About myself. About you. About our little life together, day by day. It's been completely, one hundred percent overwhelming and scary. It's also been exciting, rewarding, and happy. Each day I'm amazed at how many emotions I have felt throughout that specific day. It's a top speed roller coaster that has dips, sharp turns, and moments of calm. I've never had to be so "on alert" every minute of every day before. It is an adjustment. Thank you for being patient with me. I know I slip sometimes and have moments of impatience. When I find my voice being short and clipped instead of full of praise and love. I'm so sorry for that. I try to make up for my flaws by giving you lots of snuggles and kisses in hopes that you'll forgive me. And you always do. 

It has been humbling to see the world through your eyes. To see how you think, react. To literally get on your level and experience things exactly how you do. I've never felt so physically strained and tired before. Never had so many bumps and bruises or sore muscles before. But it's alright. It's nothing serious, and I love watching you learn and grow. I know someday I won't be able to carry you anymore. You won't rely on me as much anymore. You won't reach for me as much anymore. So I'll appreciate these days. I know they won't last forever.

I admit, some days I feel like I'm on one of those amusement park rides where you're pinned on the sides as you spin around and around. If you dare to move you could be flung across and hit any side. Lincoln, I don't always know what I'm doing. If I'm feeding you enough. If you're getting adequate rest. If you're learning and developing on track. I've never felt so guilty for not enjoying a day as much as I should or appreciating it enough. I knew going into this whole thing how hard I would be on myself, and how much I would doubt myself. It's just the way I am. I'm so grateful you are so patient and forgiving with me. I couldn't have been blessed with a better son.

I hope my thoughts are making sense. I'm sorry if they're a jumbled mess. I've been needing to clear my mind. A way that helps is writing down my thoughts. Or in this case, write them directly to you. I feel lately like I've been letting you down. That I've been letting us down. I'm sorry. I know things will brighten up soon. You are doing so well. I love you so much it physically hurts. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm glad you love me anyway. 


Your Mother

January 4, 2017

Dear Lincoln: 15 Months

Dear Lincoln,

How is it even possible that you are already fifteen months. You are growing up so fast. You are becoming so independent and adventurous. You love exploring new things and testing the limits. You are full of smiles and full of curiosity. You are my world. 

Your one year birthday came and went. I'm sorry I didn't write about it the day of. I had plans to, but of course, time slipped past me. We had a little party in your honor, family and friends came to help us celebrate. You had your own cake which surprisingly, you didn't seem too interested in. You ate some, but I think it was only because we were all watching you and wanting you to. The party was "Where the Wild Things Are" themed, and I loved it because you are my little wild one. I wanted to remember that about you. Lincoln, you are so loved. If there is anything I want you to remember the most, the thing I want you to know without a doubt, is that you are loved. By me. By your dad. By your grandparents. By your aunts and uncles and cousins. Your cousins adore you and always want to hold and play with you. But most of all remember how much your Heavenly Father loves you. If you take my love for you and multiply it above and beyond, that is how much Heavenly Father loves you. It never ends. 

Lincoln, you are so patient with me. You know how anxious I am. How I can sometimes overly stress about things. I want you to know that is a new year resolution for me, to "breathe." To not let the trivial things get the best of me. Because after all, you are the only important thing. Your happiness is the only thing I care about. Everything else can melt away. That is one thing about parenthood I was completely blindsided by. The anxiety about making sure you are eating enough. Sleeping enough. When you're sick, what I need to do to make it better. Trusting in medicine and doctors. Trusting my instincts. Trusting your dad's instincts. It's a whole new world for me, but I am trying. Trying with all my strength. Every. Single. Moment. 

Right now, you are so curious about the world, and it brings me so much fulfillment. To see your face when you accomplish something you've been trying at. To see you try something new. To see you interact with me. When I get you up in the morning, you reach your little arms out towards me and wrap them around me and hold onto me. You've recently started playing with my hair too. You can now walk like a pro, and attempt to run. You climb up and down from the couch. You love stairs and now slide down them on your tummy. You LOVE bath time. You are eating solids like a champ. You're a little picky about foods, but I'm trying to nip that in the bud and trick you into eating things. Sorry. You'll thank me later. You say "dada" and "ree" all the time. Yes, "dada" was your first word, and you only call me "mom" when you're tired. The rest of the time it's "ree". I secretly love it though. You can clap your hands when we say "yay!" You can get embarrassed, but that's ok. It's ok to want me when you're sad. I'll help make it better. 

Lincoln, I just love you so much. I never thought about how I would be as a mother, so I am constantly surprising myself. I am nowhere near perfect, nor do I try to be. I have meltdowns. I cry. I get short with you, but it's mainly because of me, not you. I'm scared. I'm hopeful. I'm trying. Just know that I would do anything for you and your well being. Know how much your dad and I love you. We are always going to be here for you and the decisions you make in life. Know that I am trying. 


Your Mother