Happy New Year, my son. I know you don't understand yet, but you'll find out that your mom loves celebrating the New Year. Not in the traditional, worldly sense, but in a quiet, reflective way. I am always ready for a new year. It's a wonderful opportunity to live. We are given the chance to renew ourselves, to become better, to improve. What amazing gifts those are, given to us year after year. Honestly I guess you could say they even come to us day after day. So here I am, after the new year has arrived, and I'm in a quiet, reflective mood.
A couple of years ago your aunt Shannon introduced me to a new way of looking at what a year could be to us, how it could be more meaningful. She would think of one word as her guide throughout the new year. I loved that idea. It seemed simplistic, more realistic instead of making a long list of resolutions that I couldn't achieve. I've tested it out the past couple of years, and this year, I will do it again. My word?
You might say this word will become attached to the both of us, Lincoln. Because this year is the first year I'm not only striving to improve myself, but teaching you! Is that daunting or what? Well, not daunting. But it is a huge responsibility. If I think about it long enough, yes, I would become overwhelmed. So I thought of this word-enjoy. It's certainly a word I heard enough of when I was pregnant with you. People would tell me and continue to tell me, "Enjoy being pregnant, because he'll be here sooner than later!" or "Enjoy him now, they grow too fast!" And every time I heard that I would shrug it off thinking, "Ok, I get it." But now as I really ponder it, yes, I do need to enjoy every minute with you, Lincoln.
I need to enjoy these late night cuddle times.
I need to enjoy these peaceful days with you, learning more about you.
I need to enjoy getting to know your personality.
I need to enjoy seeing you bond with me and your dad.
I need to enjoy seeing you smile at me and savor those moments!
I need to enjoy changing your diapers, because yes, I don't mind doing that. Because it's something I can do for you.
I need to enjoy you falling asleep on me because one day, you'll be too big for that.
I catch myself looking forward to the next phase with you, Lincoln. Although that's fine, I want to enjoy my time with you now. Because I love you. And not only enough being with you, but enjoy myself as a mother to you. That is something I've struggled identifying myself as. People asked me right after you were born, "Don't you just love being a mother!" I found I couldn't give them the answer they probably wanted to hear, which was "Yes, of course!" Don't misunderstand me, Lincoln. I love you. More than the whole world. And yes, I am honored beyond my ability to comprehend that I am your mother. But I don't quite understand what it all means to me yet. So, like with everything else, be patient with me. There is one thing I do understand about motherhood though, something I have no trouble understanding. It's love. I feel so sappy now, even writing this, but it's true what they say. Your knowledge about love expands when you have a child. You're forever a part of me,Lincoln and I love you. So I will enjoy loving you. Every single day of my life.