August 26, 2016

Dear Lincoln: Ten Months

Dear Lincoln,

Happy ten months my son. I wish I could say it's getting easier for me to accept the fact that in two months you'll be a year old, but it's not. You are just getting so big. So independent. So feisty. I'm not ready for it! I miss those days where all we would do is cuddle. Now you're at the stage where it requires more physical activity. These days it feels like all I do is follow you, picking things up out of your reach, finding you new things to occupy yourself with. You require more effort, but you're worth it. 

These days you love going to our sliding door and pulling yourself up to watch Chomper. You love crawling everywhere and getting into everything. You love fighting me when I change your diaper. You love car rides, but need more entertainment. You love giving Mommy cuddles and hugs. You love to show your emotions- happiness, frustration, and sadness. My heart can't take it when you bonk your head, or fall down. It's really taken me time to allow you to be in situations where you might get hurt, if that makes sense. If I had it my way, of course I'd coddle and protect you all the time. But I know you need to increase your independence, and your abilities. 

Ten months I've been on this journey with you as we figure out our life together. It's been challenging. Rewarding. Exhausting. Emotional. Thrilling. It's been filled with moments when I look at you in wonder. Some days are better than others. Some days I admit, I just go through the motions. There are those days when I miss working and getting dressed up. There are the days where I just want to get away for a few hours. But I know even if I had one hour to myself I would feel guilty for not spending it with you. Odd isn't it? The times when I just want a moment to myself, I find myself wanting to be with you more. 

You really have been such a good baby. The only times you're upset is when those teeth are hurting you. Or when you just want to be with your mama. I really have been blessed, and I am fully aware of those blessings. I've been blessed with us being healthy, and being taken care of by your Dad. Things are good. 

I love you Lincoln. I read in an article today that motherhood isn't about perfection, it's about trying again. And you know better than anyone how much I try. I try to give you the attention and play you deserve. I try to give you a clean, home-y environment at home. I try to teach you about Jesus and His love. I know I fall short. I know there are days where I have not as much patience as I should. I love you more than anything my son. I am always trying to be better. 

Lincoln, I've said I didn't think I ever wanted to be a mother. Or to be a stay at home mother. I'm beginning to see it's been one of the greatest things for me. You have filled some of the cracks in my heart. You give me more joy than anything else in this world. I promised to always keep on trying. I promise to always love and protect you. 


Your Mother